Since my examinations got over, I was faced with a small, seemingly harmless question, “NOW WHAT?” But the question was nothing less than a tiny bullet ripping through my mind and body, with every intention of shattering them. I am now expected to take confident, bold strides into the world, well-equipped as I am with a bunch of papers proclaiming my intelligence and capability of being of some service to society (and also if I can somehow manage to keep myself up on my own two feet, of being served in future as well). They are supposed to be my armour in times of need. It seems that apart from me everybody else is a lot more interested in knowing that what exactly am I going to do with my life – in other words – what exactly will I be doing to make my contribution to the annual GDP, and of course, how much will I be contributing. But shouldn’t that be my concern alone? I can very well manage for myself with an odd job here and an odd job there, or I may suddenly feel very idealistic and start working for free in an NGO, or better still what if I choose to do nothing at all? It’s true that life on earth is not to be wasted. But who decides what “waste” is? I do want to be able to do something for my folks, something to make them proud of me. But will it be a criminal offence if I do not feel that way? Can’t I live just for myself? Or just because a lot has been invested on me, can’t I work just that much so that I repay everything, and detach myself from everyone and everything. I am supposed to be a rational, independent human being. So that I can be free to live life on my own terms. And yet, why am I faced with a question in every turn of my life? After all, which duty is greater - the duty to others or the duty to oneself? And if I consider Myself more rightful of gaining my affections, then will I be tagged “selfish”? What’s wrong in living for oneself? It isn’t easy living a life of contradictions, and here I am constantly in search of that one element which I hope will add a wee bit of meaning to my existence. Questions haunt me, but one of these days I hope to find the proper answers. And until I don’t, I wish myself luck, and dream on…
